1. Crying at Any and Everything
Whether it’s a holiday jingle, daytime soap opera, or one of those commercials trying to get you to donate money to save the puppies, prepare to cry at the most inconvenient times, ladies.
2. Hair Everywhere
That’s right, it’s happening. You might need to start tweezing in places you never thought of tweezing. No, that’s not a beard you’re growing, just a whisker. Or two.
3. Hot in Here
Try going to Florida in the summer. Better yet, try going to the desert in the summer. However hot you think that is, multiply it by five, and you’ve got hot flashes!
4. All the Chocolate Ever
Chocolate becomes your top priority in life. After trying to keep cool and get just a little bit of sleep, that is. Maybe chocolate tops both of those anyway.
5. Gaining Like a Champ
Oh right, eating a lot of chocolate when you no longer have the metabolism of a 25-year-old could account for why your jeans don’t fit the way they used to.
6. The Way You Were
It’s not just your metabolism that’s withering away in the wind. Maybe all that sugar is going to your brain because you’re finding it pretty hard to remember your name, age, and what your real hair color is.
7. Insomniac All Day Every Day
Okay, to be fair, who do you know who could sleep in a furnace? Now that your body is said furnace, it’s pretty impossible to sleep through the night.
8. Nowhere to Be Found
Remember when we said your memory might start to go? No? That’s probably because you’re menopausal right this minute! Let us know when your memory’s officially left the building.
9. The Return of the Acne
Get ready to break out the Proactiv and the Neutrogena—you’re heading back to the dermatologist. Get comfortable, because you’re going to be there a lot.
10. No More Filter
Maybe it’s the hormones, maybe you’re just too fed up with the heat, weight gain, and acne to care, but nowadays, you’re way more open than you used to be. Honesty has to count for something, right?
11. Is that supposed to swell?
Au revoir, defined ankles and stilettos. Hello to feet that will never again fit into your unbelievably uncomfortable but always stunning heels. Life is about sacrifices, after all.
12. Your mood swings like a pendulum.
Just like that, you’re back to having the emotions of a teenager who just discovered “Twilight.” Don’t worry, the desire to smile or yell only lasts so long before you’re onto the next one.
13. Stay Away, Man
You’re not asking anyone to hug you. You don’t even want anyone to touch you, you’re way too hot for that. Make them stand over in the corner, because you definitely don’t want to be soothed or calmed with anything that remotely resembles touching.
14. Food = Life
Might as well do something worthwhile with your time, now that you have eight extra hours a night to spare, and what’s better than eating when no one can see you?
Sure, your moods might be completely unpredictable, but don’t let anyone underestimate your ability to get mad. When you do, warn anyone you care about, because that’s a storm they’ll definitely want to miss.